Wednesday, September 8, 2010

5 Reasons I Wish I Were an Inch Tall


1. I have always wanted to own a Jell-O home


With today's economy, it is simply impractical to own a Jell-O home. Although Jell-O is relatively cheap (about 50 cents a box), I cannot afford to buy enough Jell-O necessary to build a delightfully bouncy home. We're talking 4 servings per box of Jell-O... that's roughly the same amount of Jell-O it takes to fill a hollowed-out baby's skull. From experience, I've learned that it takes well over 10,000 baby skulls to build a modest-sized home. So about 40,000 servings of Jell-O, or 10,000 boxes. Even at 50 cents a box, that's still $5000 dollars I don't have. If I were an inch tall, I could live comfortably in a two-box Jell-O house.

2. I could save money on my water bill

Do you know how much water it takes to bathe an inch tall human? About a thimble full. Do you know what a thimble is? No? Ask your grandmother. She knows. Or maybe she doesn't. Back in her day, they'd sew quilts without thimbles and didn't give a fuck.

3. I could run around naked and no one would care

Okay, follow my logic. Babies get to run around naked, right? Yes, and no one cares. They're like "Aww, how cute!" Yea, they're cute, until they piss on the floor--but I digress. Babies get to run around naked because they are so small and innocent. If I were even smaller than a baby, I believe it would make up for my relative lack of innocence, and I, too, would be able to run around naked. Besides, in order to actually see anything scandalous, you'd need a magnifying glass, and no one but Sherlock carries those around.

4. Fuck roller coasters, I could get a cat to chase me

I have always wondered what it's like to get chased by a cat and actually fear for my life. I am a little odd in that I enjoy being startled or afraid. It provides quite the pleasurable rush. Chances are, my cat would be faster than me, and I would meet a very painful death. I'm still working out the mechanics on this one.

5. I could make a killing in porn

I don't exactly know how the logistics of it would work, but the porn industry loves weird shit. People would be begging me to crawl up their urethra, or whatever. Again, it would be specialty porn, but the weirder it is, the bigger the paycheck. With the money I'd make from porn, I might even be able to afford to build a bigger Jell-O house.

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