Monday, September 13, 2010

According to Leviticus

It's always irritated me how people try to use the Leviticus passage about homosexual intercourse as an argument against gay marriage, and homosexuality in general. The passage reads,

"If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." - Leviticus 20:13, King James Version

Now, most people who do this probably haven't read all of Leviticus. I have. I suggest everyone read it. It's basically all about what you should and shouldn't do. The word "abomination" is thrown around more often than a baby who just won't shut up. I feel confident in saying that the majority of us don't live by most, or even half of all the rules Leviticus has laid out. Yes, even Christians. If you want to point out Leviticus 20:13, you must also acknowledge the rest of Leviticus.

First, some history:

Leviticus is a book in the Old Testament. That's important to remember. It is also important to note that the name Leviticus refers to the Hebrew tribe of Levi. These are the laws that were meant to govern their tribe, and mark them as different from the numerous pagan tribes surrounding them.

So, here's a little rundown on what it says:

Things You Should Be Doing...

- Making sacrifices to God. Male cattle, turtledoves, stuff like that.
- Offering hunks of meat covered in flour and oil to God. Oh, and salt. You must always include salt.
- Offering fresh vegetables you've grown to God.
- Offering the organs of animals, along with their fat to God.
- Whenever you sin, you must make a ritual sacrifice to God.
- Eat locusts, beetles, and grasshoppers.
- All males must be circumcised when they're 8 days old.
- If you get a scab, or any other skin blemish for that matter, you're supposed to go to a priest so he can make sure it isn't leprosy. This includes being in isolation for about 2 weeks.
- Females, after your period, you're supposed to sacrifice two doves or two pigeons to God in order to cleanse yourself.
- Respect your mother and father.
- Honor the Sabbath. That's Saturday, by the way.
- Help the poor.
- Slavery is okay, just don't treat your slaves harshly.
- It's okay to have concubines, or multiple wives.
- Respect old people.
- Be nice to foreigners.
- If you ejaculate, you must take a shower afterward, wash the clothes you were wearing, and the bed linens if you were in bed. If you weren't in bed, you have to wash whatever you were sitting on.
- If you have an STD that causes a discharge, you have to wash everything you've touched.
- Love your siblings.
- Speak up if you see someone doing something wrong, and let him know you think it's wrong.

Things You Shouldn't Be Doing...

- Don't make an offering of any food with honey on it.
- Don't eat fat or blood. (Perfectly marbled steaks are a sin!)
- No swearing. This includes "swear to God," "swear on my mother's life," etc. Also included is swearing to do something--good or bad.
- Don't eat rabbit, pig, camel, turtles, mice, weasels, ferrets, chameleons, lizards, snails, or moles.
- Don't eat anything from the water that doesn't have scales and fins. That means no lobster, crab, oyster, etc.
- There's a shit load of birds you're not supposed to eat. The list includes eagles, swans, and owls. Pelicans, too.
- Don't drink wine while at church. (CoughCatholicsCough)
- Females, if you have a baby girl, you can't go to church for 66 days afterward, and once you go back to church, you have to bring a lamb, a dove, or a young pigeon for a burnt offering. You must also bring an extra dove or pigeon for a sin offering.
- If you have a baby boy, same deal as above, but you're not allowed in church for 33 days. This is because, as we all know, it is less unclean to give birth to a boy than a girl. Yay for misogyny.
- If you're on your period, you must separate yourself from others. So basically, you can't sleep in the same bed as your husband/boyfriend, whatever.
- Don't have sex with a girl when she's on their period. You're not even supposed to see her naked.
- Don't eat roadkill. Thank God for this. If the Bible didn't tell us not to do it, I shudder to think where we'd be as a society.
- Don't sleep with any blood relatives, or relatives through marriage. (Remember all those "Christian" kings and queens who married within the family?)
- Don't take your wife's sister as a rival wife while your wife is alive. Once she's dead though, hey, go for it.
- Don't have sex with animals.
- Don't have sex with your neighbor's wife.
- Don't sacrifice your children.
- Don't have homosexual sex.
- Don't worship idols, or make idols.
- Don't over-harvest. Leave the edges of your fields unharvested, and allow the poor and travelers to eat from it.
- Don't steal.
- Don't lie. Don't deceive others, in general. This means no fraud as well.
- Don't hold back the wages of your workers. It says "overnight," so I am assuming workers were paid daily during the times of Leviticus.
- Don't play pranks on the deaf and blind, or be mean to them at all. Who does this anyway? Dicks.
- Judge fairly--don't show favoritism.
- Don't talk shit about people. Gossiping included.
- Don't put anyone's life in danger.
- Don't breed different kinds of animals. (The breeding of a horse and donkey to make a mule is a huge example of when we've done this)
- Don't plant more than one type of plant in your field.
- Don't wear anything made of a mix of materials. So, no fabric blends. 100% everything. Take a look at your closet. Almost every piece of clothing you own has some blend of polyester and cotton.
- Don't sleep with a slave girl promised to someone else.
- Don't eat from any fruit trees until they are five years old.
- No sorcery.
- Don't cut your sideburns or beard.
- Don't get tattoos in mourning.
- Don't make your daughter a prostitute.
- Don't use psychics. Don't trust them.
- Don't be a prostitute.
- If you have any sort of defect or sickness, you can't make offerings to God, or approach the alter. I guess you can't really go to church at all.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Fat Guys Last Longer

Who are the kinkiest people out there?

Probably the Japanese.

Okay, who are the most passionate lovers?

Probably the French.

Ladies, who can go the longest?

... Americans?

That's right, bitches.

Researchers have recently discovered that men with higher body mass take (on average) 7 minutes longer to ejaculate during sex than men with lower body mass. In laymen terms, that means fat guys last longer. It has to do with elevated levels of the sex hormone estrogen in overweight men. The hormone delays their progression to orgasm.

What is America best at?

Lots of shit. But most importantly, we're the fattest nation. That means our men can go all night, and all day, and then some! Well, more realistically, that extra 7 minutes will ensure that ladies have time to realize what's going on before it's over.

In the real world, I don't know how applicable these study results are. I mean, girls don't typically go after fat guys. Those guys then become sex deprived, and I think that makes them more likely to prematurely ejaculate when they finally do get a hold of some unfortunate female.

Anecdotal evidence anyone?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Remember candy cigarettes?

Man, I miss those things. The ones they make now are simply called "candy sticks" and they taste like crap.

There are still places online that you can purchase these retro treats, but it's not the same as impulsively buying them with the few quarters you found on your parents' dresser.

R.I.P. Candy Cigarettes

(On a slightly related note, the FDA officially banned all flavored cigarettes this year in June)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

5 Reasons I Wish I Were an Inch Tall

1. I have always wanted to own a Jell-O home

With today's economy, it is simply impractical to own a Jell-O home. Although Jell-O is relatively cheap (about 50 cents a box), I cannot afford to buy enough Jell-O necessary to build a delightfully bouncy home. We're talking 4 servings per box of Jell-O... that's roughly the same amount of Jell-O it takes to fill a hollowed-out baby's skull. From experience, I've learned that it takes well over 10,000 baby skulls to build a modest-sized home. So about 40,000 servings of Jell-O, or 10,000 boxes. Even at 50 cents a box, that's still $5000 dollars I don't have. If I were an inch tall, I could live comfortably in a two-box Jell-O house.

2. I could save money on my water bill

Do you know how much water it takes to bathe an inch tall human? About a thimble full. Do you know what a thimble is? No? Ask your grandmother. She knows. Or maybe she doesn't. Back in her day, they'd sew quilts without thimbles and didn't give a fuck.

3. I could run around naked and no one would care

Okay, follow my logic. Babies get to run around naked, right? Yes, and no one cares. They're like "Aww, how cute!" Yea, they're cute, until they piss on the floor--but I digress. Babies get to run around naked because they are so small and innocent. If I were even smaller than a baby, I believe it would make up for my relative lack of innocence, and I, too, would be able to run around naked. Besides, in order to actually see anything scandalous, you'd need a magnifying glass, and no one but Sherlock carries those around.

4. Fuck roller coasters, I could get a cat to chase me

I have always wondered what it's like to get chased by a cat and actually fear for my life. I am a little odd in that I enjoy being startled or afraid. It provides quite the pleasurable rush. Chances are, my cat would be faster than me, and I would meet a very painful death. I'm still working out the mechanics on this one.

5. I could make a killing in porn

I don't exactly know how the logistics of it would work, but the porn industry loves weird shit. People would be begging me to crawl up their urethra, or whatever. Again, it would be specialty porn, but the weirder it is, the bigger the paycheck. With the money I'd make from porn, I might even be able to afford to build a bigger Jell-O house.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Tramp Stamp For Jesus

Nothing says you love Jesus more than getting fake crucifix tattoos all over your lower back. This particular tramp stamp was given at a youth event for a Methodist church. The people in charge made the mistake of asking me to do face painting and fake tattoos. It wasn't long before I had convinced a few impressionable teenage boys to embrace their inner tramp in the name of Jesus.

Remember that old maxim...

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever gets tramp stamps for him, shall not perish (unless the needle was contaminated), but have everlasting life. Also, they will probably be hated by the Westboro Baptist Church. Something to do with 'sacrilege and faggotry.'" - The Unwritten Gospel of John

Monday, March 9, 2009



My friend called me at about 11am, and woke me up. I appreciated that, actually, that's not the part that's tripping me out.

I'm in FL at home for spring break, and I'm with my younger siblings. My just-recently-turned-4-yr-old sister comes in the room, while I'm talking on the phone and starts jibber-jabbering away. I ask her if she'd tell me a joke. She loves to tell random, often nonsensical jokes. She says...

"Ok. What if... Tinkerbell got stuck in someone's butt?" she then laughed rather maniacally. She drew an accompanying picture, too. It's as if she's a mini Demetri Martin, only slightly less skilled.

Witness Tinkerbell, in all her fairy glory, stuck between the cheeks of an unobservant nudist.

I do think my sister poses an interesting question. If fairies existed, I imagine there would be a lot of accidents of this kind. Maybe they did once exist, and have long-since been squished to death by the bottoms of prehistoric man ;)